Modalities: What each creative form means to me & my story
I feel that creative forms are different languages that resonate with different people. My intention is not to speak as many languages for the sake of learning them, but to find the language I am able to best express my mind and soul.
Writing has always been integral to my life. I feel that this is the center and the starting line/foundation that started my spiritual and creative journey. I was always a big bookworm as a child, absorbing ideas upon ideas that had been constructed by others. I was never able to truly find my voice amongst this simply because I never felt that it meant anything or that I had the capability to express meaningful information. During my high school years, however, I felt myself experiencing fulfilling states of flow when I was writing essays for English class or writing the discussion parts of science papers, little pockets within the rigid school system where I was able to freely express my opinions and visions on various subject matters.
After graduating high school, I found myself further squeezed into the rigidity of the education system at college, studying biological science. Leaving little space for creative expression, I felt occasional frustration and projected my opinions on to people I loved with the expectation that they would understand everything I was saying--which is a delusional expectation. I left emotional scars on people that I still to do this day wish I could heal. During my third year of college I became aware of the selfish nature of my relationship with others and took a step back. I wrote pages and pages of these overflowing thoughts, at the time attempting to conceptualize the nonphysical nature of life, the abstract concepts I wasn't able to explain logically (friendships, fear, love, confusion, purpose...)
I occasionally shared this with my supportive sister and her insightful boyfriend, just to update them on my mental health and viewpoint. You can see these raw messy creations here. (These are close to diary entries so prepare to cringe). I appreciate them for never judging me or neglecting me during this time.
My last year of college was a turning point for me for many reasons. My whole life I had been planning to go to graduate school for neuroscience, since my curiosities have always been aimed towards understanding the human mind. The coronavirus pandemic hit just right when I was just starting my undergraduate thesis work and preparing to look at student visas in Germany. Unable to go to the lab, I found myself locked in my apartment reading papers upon papers on neuroanatomy. I began documenting my scientific curiosities, but always felt something was missing in my passion. I still was unable to fully understand the concepts that couldn't be seen or explained physically. I was slowly beginning to become convinced that science was not the answer to this. At least for now.
During lockdown periods, my sister and I began free painting just as something to do. I was introduced to a meaningful and supportive companionship with somebody who appreciated the non-judgmental nature of art. This person taught me that it wasn't about the technical aspects of what you create but how it made you feel. I would finish each piece and look at my work in comparison to much more talented artists. He would be there to encourage me and ask me how it made me feel instead of criticizing. I felt liberated and free in this space. I cannot express enough the gratitude that I have for him. It allowed me to open up my mind to alternate forms of expression. It allowed me to confident enough to put my creations out there with no expectations. Art gives me a voice and the ability to put my visions onto paper. It allows me to access my subconscious mind (this is why most of my drawings are quite chaotic). Through this non-judgmental expression I can learn more about myself and what the universe is trying to communicate through me (more on my spirituality in future posts).
Music along with writing has always had a special place in my life, as for many people. For me it was more than entertainment but a vehicle for spiritual healing during dark times in my childhood. I was in a choir and an orchestra (clarinet) during primary school, and took music and related courses in high school. It was something that was always in the background of my life. Unfortunately, I became affected by the school system that attempted to quantify creativity, and caring parents who understood the incompatibility of creativity and a numbers-driven employment environment. I enrolled in university for science, joined a band but then abandoned it to focus once again on my studies. For the millionth time, I had put creativity in the back of my mind and focus on a "realistic" future.
During my fourth year of college, I became surrounding myself with more creative people, people who were creating with no expectation or obligation. Simply because they liked to do it. Fellow musicians, artists, photographers, video creators, writers. I renewed my perspective on old friends and acknowledged them for their talents. Simultaneously, I felt an urge to break free from people's judgment and post my first video. To my surprise, it was met with alot of support and love from so many people, and over time I became comfortable in just expressing. No expectation, no obligation.
Many musicians that I love allow me to transcend the physical world and increase my vibration. It allows a space to feel joy, pain, confusion, love, peace.... it is a bridge from the tangible to the intangible. It speaks and resonates with people from different places and from different backgrounds.
I had always written lyrics from middle school but never felt confident enough or worthy to put melodies to them. In college I wrote basic songs that stay trapped in my old Documents folder on my laptop. Needless to say, I'm still struggling to find my voice and my sound, or the ability to best use my tools to build up the world that surrounds my lyrics.
Art in this way has encouraged me to create without expectation and let the melodies come to me through my subconscious. I am trying to be present enough to do more of this.